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Weapos;re upset that we see so little change in our marriage.
No change, really. It looked like there was some.....until the dust settled.
Now, things are back to the status quo.
Thatapos;s whatapos;s upsetting us.

The pattern usually goes: we throw a crisis. We actually get one foot out the door, marriage dangerously close to being over. There appears to be change. We have hope, come back, settle down.....status quo returns.
(Itapos;s called an Al Anon issue, in twelve-step circles.)

Each crisis is bigger, as far as the marriage. This last one, was the ugliest and worst.
The pattern went exactly the same.

Rusty appeared to be making big breakthroughs. He was journaling, which he never does, and two of his "ego states" put a name to themselves. He was having a dialogue with them, on paper.
That felt safer to us.

Guess where that has gone ? Yep.....right down the olapos; shitter. Tonight when he asked us what was wrong and we told him, he said he has apos;Charlieapos; and apos;Eddieapos; under control. Back where they belong. Doesnapos;t want to journal, because he doesnapos;t want them acting out again. (So now heapos;s comfortably unaware of them again. Theyapos;re probably thrilled.)
Now heapos;s starting to say things to us he didnapos;t mean to say, doesnapos;t know why he said them, no insight, no nothing.
Heapos;s probably already doing things we donapos;t know about, that weapos;ll find out about in a year or two or five when they pop up to bite us in the ass.....
Doesnapos;t want to do therapy because he had a� taste of that and it really sucks. Doesnapos;t want to relive his childhood....wants to live in now, deal with now.
Only.....heapos;s not dealing with it. Heapos;s comfortable.
Because weapos;re not throwing a crisis.
If we throw a crisis, he will appear to work on things.....until the dust settles. (Weapos;ve made him a pretty happy guy)

(Sigh) we *really* donapos;t want this divorce. But there is no reason for us not to be working on those divorce papers. Showing him this blog entry would accomplish nothing, weapos;ve done that before and itapos;s accomplished nothing.....

There is simply no hope for this marriage, that we can see. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop, is not okay. Throwing a crisis that only harms us and accomplishes little or nothing, is not okay.
His choice not to work on his stuff at all, not to even be aware of himself, is not okay.
Us doing all the work in this marriage and continually playing the role of problem child, is not okay.

We want to change/adapt/accept/let our Higher Power change us......and weapos;ve done our praying/twelvestep work/years in therapy.
Shit, tonight we even prayed to our Higher Power to make us willing to give up our multiplicity, if thatapos;s what our H.P. Wants/requires. (Of course, weapos;ve done that in the past and it didnapos;t work worth a shit.....but this time, we just prayed about it. No pretending not to be multi/telling ourselves weapos;re a former multi/going back for still more therapy and trying to *become* a former multi. This time, if our H.P. Wants it, then itapos;s up to our H.P. To do it. Meanwhile back at the ranch, we still like being who and what we are, consider it a gift, and donapos;t think itapos;s the real problem. Because during the years that we were "one person", and followed all the rules, we still had the problems we have now� -�� and a lot of depression with them. It was *not* better, it was worse.)

Donapos;t want to throw a crisis this time. Intend to keep doing our twelve-step work, and start back on those divorce papers. Weapos;ll have to take them slowly, because we donapos;t want the divorce� -� we want our husband to get off his dead ass and do his part for real this time.
But he wonapos;t. Heapos;s proving it right now. He said when he came back, "Iapos;ll stop making promises. Iapos;ll show you this time, Iapos;ll prove it to you, youapos;ll see."
Well, heapos;s doing exactly that. Heapos;s showing us that his real intention is to change absolutely nothing.

This sucks. If we get divorced, the kids are going to blame us.....well, in their eyes, blame me, blame Mom......for fucking ever.

(Sigh) well, weapos;ve stopped blaming our mom for divorcing our dad. Shit, I donapos;t think we ever really blamed her in the first place Come to think of it, we didnapos;t blame her for having an affair on him. We blamed her for spreading it around so it would get back to him.....for trying to involve us in it.....and for trying so hard to make us hate him. (And for a lot of other things. Sheapos;s been really mean about a lot of things. But, sheapos;s mentally ill, bipolar with paranoia....we tell ourselves itapos;s that.) But if we ever did blame her for the divorce itself, we understand now even more than we did at the time.

God, I donapos;t want to click over into pure hate, and divorce Rusty in a spiteful way, like my mom did my dad. And I donapos;t ever, ever, ever want to hurt my kids the way my mom has hurt me. I donapos;t even want to hurt Rusty. I just want to stop this nonsense bullshit, itapos;s just stupid to live like this
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