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Monday was one of those days where nothing seems to get done. I have this list of things that I need to tackle, and I felt like nothing was moving along. I woke up sort of late since I donapos;t have Monday class, and went running in the Bois de B, which was GREAT since I havenapos;t run in so long due to a hurt foot. It seems to be better now, which is crucial, since running is essential to my mood and general sense of well-being. Plus, the pool deal is so early, so itapos;s nice to have the running alternative if Iapos;m not so motivated to get up at 6:45 (how did I ever get up at 5 am for morning swim practice in HS??). When I came back, I spent the afternoon working on the JP, essentially organizing the bullet points into a good order and then making them into sentences that sound okay. There are three body sections, and I got most of the first two done, so I suppose that I did make progress, but I am itching to have a check mark on the to-do list. I also finished up my application for the State Department Summer Internship. Itapos;s crazy to be thinking about all this stuff now, already, but itapos;s due in a week, so I guess I have to get on it super early. Itapos;s strange to think that itapos;s almost November. Iapos;ve been here for more than 4 months, and in less than 3 months Iapos;ll be leaving Paris. Early on I had been thinking that when I reached the middle mark I would know, but itapos;s crept up on me and already disappeared. Iapos;m scared by how quickly everything is going. When I look at my Filofax and see the weekends where Iapos;m planning to travel, and how little is left, itapos;s terrifying I mean, I think by January Iapos;ll be ready to go probably, but I think it will be one of those things where I will go back to the US and be stoked, and then three days later, be like, okay, now Iapos;m ready for Paris again...oh shit, I canapos;t go back. And that makes me depressed. Iapos;m trying to figure out when Iapos;m going back to CA and then when Iapos;m going from there to Pton. Itapos;s really difficult to decide. Like, I want to be in the OC for a bit to be with my family, but I also want to get back to campus to see people before some leave for study abroad and to have time to work out. But I also donapos;t want to get back to Pton and have everyone studying during finals time and me having like 2-3 hours of working out to do and nothing else, and then have me feel like, well, I could be at home with Mom right now. Itapos;s just tough because Iapos;ve seen my family so little. Since Christmas 2007, Iapos;ve seen them for 2 weeks. Now Iapos;ll see them in Paris in a few days, then a few days in January, then a few days when polo travels for spring break. It will be less than a month of contact time in a year and a half. Plus, since my internship this coming summer will probably be in Washington DC or New York, thatapos;s another summer where Iapos;ll be away for the most part. I donapos;t know what to do.

But living in the present, last night I went to see the opera Rigoletto at the Opera Bastille. It was wonderfully done. Rigoletto and the main soprano Gilda were fantastic. The sets and costumes were sumptuous and it was truly captivating. The whole thing went by super quickly; I didnapos;t check the time once.

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�When I was at Sierra Tucson, I�remember I used to try to "walk the pain off" by walking around a small track in the mountains. Iapos;d walk and walk until my legs were so tired that all I could focus on was the feeling of being tired. I kept trying to cover up the devastation, distract myself. But those around me could see the pain. I remember breaking down in the middle of a group therapy session. I tried so hard to hold it in, but I just couldnapos;t do it anymore. Iapos;m so tired of the pain. I am just crushed, devastated, lost, hurt, in disbelief still. I donapos;t think there is a day that goes by where I donapos;t cry over losing him. I canapos;t even say his name because when I�see the name I just burst into tears again
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My sister and brother-in-law have been in Hawaii for the past week, so their 3 kids have been sleeping at my house and in the mornings I get them ready, feed them, and take them to one of my two oldest sistersapos; houses for the day. Today we were on our way, and my niece, Taryn, is telling me about how yesterday my nephew, Spencer, was showing her this shark jaw he has in his room (like an actual shark bone jaw, teeth and all). Apparently, while he was showing it to her, he dropped it and it scratched her hand pretty bad. Her final comment to the story was, "I can see why people donapos;t like getting eaten by sharks. It hurts"

The End

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Weapos;re upset that we see so little change in our marriage.
No change, really. It looked like there was some.....until the dust settled.
Now, things are back to the status quo.
Thatapos;s whatapos;s upsetting us.

The pattern usually goes: we throw a crisis. We actually get one foot out the door, marriage dangerously close to being over. There appears to be change. We have hope, come back, settle down.....status quo returns.
(Itapos;s called an Al Anon issue, in twelve-step circles.)

Each crisis is bigger, as far as the marriage. This last one, was the ugliest and worst.
The pattern went exactly the same.

Rusty appeared to be making big breakthroughs. He was journaling, which he never does, and two of his "ego states" put a name to themselves. He was having a dialogue with them, on paper.
That felt safer to us.

Guess where that has gone ? Yep.....right down the olapos; shitter. Tonight when he asked us what was wrong and we told him, he said he has apos;Charlieapos; and apos;Eddieapos; under control. Back where they belong. Doesnapos;t want to journal, because he doesnapos;t want them acting out again. (So now heapos;s comfortably unaware of them again. Theyapos;re probably thrilled.)
Now heapos;s starting to say things to us he didnapos;t mean to say, doesnapos;t know why he said them, no insight, no nothing.
Heapos;s probably already doing things we donapos;t know about, that weapos;ll find out about in a year or two or five when they pop up to bite us in the ass.....
Doesnapos;t want to do therapy because he had a� taste of that and it really sucks. Doesnapos;t want to relive his childhood....wants to live in now, deal with now.
Only.....heapos;s not dealing with it. Heapos;s comfortable.
Because weapos;re not throwing a crisis.
If we throw a crisis, he will appear to work on things.....until the dust settles. (Weapos;ve made him a pretty happy guy)

(Sigh) we *really* donapos;t want this divorce. But there is no reason for us not to be working on those divorce papers. Showing him this blog entry would accomplish nothing, weapos;ve done that before and itapos;s accomplished nothing.....

There is simply no hope for this marriage, that we can see. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop, is not okay. Throwing a crisis that only harms us and accomplishes little or nothing, is not okay.
His choice not to work on his stuff at all, not to even be aware of himself, is not okay.
Us doing all the work in this marriage and continually playing the role of problem child, is not okay.

We want to change/adapt/accept/let our Higher Power change us......and weapos;ve done our praying/twelvestep work/years in therapy.
Shit, tonight we even prayed to our Higher Power to make us willing to give up our multiplicity, if thatapos;s what our H.P. Wants/requires. (Of course, weapos;ve done that in the past and it didnapos;t work worth a shit.....but this time, we just prayed about it. No pretending not to be multi/telling ourselves weapos;re a former multi/going back for still more therapy and trying to *become* a former multi. This time, if our H.P. Wants it, then itapos;s up to our H.P. To do it. Meanwhile back at the ranch, we still like being who and what we are, consider it a gift, and donapos;t think itapos;s the real problem. Because during the years that we were "one person", and followed all the rules, we still had the problems we have now� -�� and a lot of depression with them. It was *not* better, it was worse.)

Donapos;t want to throw a crisis this time. Intend to keep doing our twelve-step work, and start back on those divorce papers. Weapos;ll have to take them slowly, because we donapos;t want the divorce� -� we want our husband to get off his dead ass and do his part for real this time.
But he wonapos;t. Heapos;s proving it right now. He said when he came back, "Iapos;ll stop making promises. Iapos;ll show you this time, Iapos;ll prove it to you, youapos;ll see."
Well, heapos;s doing exactly that. Heapos;s showing us that his real intention is to change absolutely nothing.

This sucks. If we get divorced, the kids are going to blame us.....well, in their eyes, blame me, blame Mom......for fucking ever.

(Sigh) well, weapos;ve stopped blaming our mom for divorcing our dad. Shit, I donapos;t think we ever really blamed her in the first place Come to think of it, we didnapos;t blame her for having an affair on him. We blamed her for spreading it around so it would get back to him.....for trying to involve us in it.....and for trying so hard to make us hate him. (And for a lot of other things. Sheapos;s been really mean about a lot of things. But, sheapos;s mentally ill, bipolar with paranoia....we tell ourselves itapos;s that.) But if we ever did blame her for the divorce itself, we understand now even more than we did at the time.

God, I donapos;t want to click over into pure hate, and divorce Rusty in a spiteful way, like my mom did my dad. And I donapos;t ever, ever, ever want to hurt my kids the way my mom has hurt me. I donapos;t even want to hurt Rusty. I just want to stop this nonsense bullshit, itapos;s just stupid to live like this
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Part of the whole point of blogging right when I got home was to remember what Sharon said tonight. I finally got my nametag tonight, hooray I feel like a real employee with my only specially ordered nametag that says KRL. Woot. But Cristina was asking Sharon about my mail box after she gave me my nametag, and Sharon said she had had several people come up to her and tell her how impressed they were by me. She said they were from several different departments, so Iapos;m guessing she was approached by different people from All Staff Day. I noticed my tendency to immediately take charge of group projects during a mixed-up table session where people were shuffled to different tables and asked to discuss communication, collaboration, and inclusiveness at KRL. For each section, I took charge in leading the discussion (I who had worked a single shift lol) and took a huge list of notes, acting as informal secretary so we could turn in our discussion to the dean of KRL. I wonder if some of those people might have talked to Sharon, since they seemed impressed that I was so eager to help lead the discussion even though I had no real experience with KRL. And I know some of the staff at Poulsbo like me, because Connie in particular (I talked with her a bit on Monday and she greeted me really enthusiastically tonight) seems to be really pleased to have me working. It was just nice to know that after so little time working there, I have already made a positive impression. Hooray
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